Monday, February 6, 2012

Honey, Do I Look Fat?

Do.  I.  Look.  Fat. 

These four words, alone, seem meaningless.  But string them all together and they form a sentence that puts the fear of the almighty into the hearts of nearly every man, in every country, on every continent across the globe.

Men would rather give up their 55 inch big screen, HD TV with surround sound than be forced to answer that question.  If given the choice to honestly tell a woman if she looks fat or relinquish 50 yard line seats to the Superbowl, the majority of men will kiss those tickets goodbye.

There are also variations on the question that still cause men to quake in their boots.  These include:

Does this dress make me look fat? 

Does my butt look big in these pants?

And the dreaded,

“Can you tell that I’ve put on weight?”

Men, I share with you these wonderful words of wisdom.  When confronted with any variations of this terrifying question, there is only one response to consider, and it is spelled “N” “O” – NO!   You might also add responses such as:

 “Honey, you always look beautiful”


“Honey, you look terrific in that dress” 

It does not matter if said dress makes your woman resemble a beached whale, you simply have to put a positive spin on your response.  Seriously, your life depends on it.

So, knowing how horrifying it is to be confronted with this question, I wonder why any sane human of the male persuasion would voluntarily enter into this conversation.  But yes, as unbelievable as it may seem, I know of a man who did just that.

My friend Sue (name changed to protect the innocent) had engaged in yet another hectic morning routine.  After she had prodded her kids out of bed, made them breakfast, showered, dressed, and shooed the kids out the door, she finally paused for a moment to wolf down a bowl of Special K before leaving for work.  As she took another spoonful, she noticed her husband Larry (name changed to especially protect the innocent) staring at her.  Of course, paranoia set in.

“What’s wrong?” she asked.

“Nothing,” he said.  “I was just thinking, you eat really healthy, it’s a wonder you’re not thinner.”


Alas, t’was too late.  The words had already escaped from his lips.   No amount of groveling on Larry’s part could convince Sue that he did not think she looked like an elephant.   His feeble attempts to explain his comment were only met with angry tears.   Fortunately for Larry, Sue had to leave for work…. so he would live to see another day…or least live until 5 pm when his spouse returned home. 

Poor Larry.

After Sue retreated to her car for the long drive to work, she did the only thing she could think of to make her feel better.  She called me.  I’m sorry to say my reaction may not have been the “Girl Code” sympathy she had expected.  Yes, you guessed it, I laughed.

How could I react with humor when my friend had just been through a major trauma, you ask?  Well I’ll tell you.

1. Sue is not fat.
2. Larry is usually, well at least 99 percent of the time, really good to her.
3. It was obvious that Larry must have over dosed on cold medication or some kind of other drug that wrecks havoc with your judgment.  Otherwise, why would he voluntarily enter into such a life threatening situation?

I try to spare my own husband from the horrible fate of having to answer the dreaded “fat” question.  However, on the rare occasion I do put him to the test, he always passes with flying colors!  It also helps that Bob has a very poor memory, a character trait that works to my advantage.  It doesn’t matter how many times I may have worn a particular dress to work, each time he sees it he says, “Wow, you look pretty, is that new?”

You gotta love the guy.  I think I’ll let him keep the TV!

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1 comment:

  1. so true (and the part about protecting the "innocent Larry" - he's not innocent when he said what he said!)