I walked towards the mailbox, tentative in my approach, a sealed and stamped birthday card in hand. If I dropped the card in the box, I ran the risk of an uncertain response. She might send me a polite, albeit, brief thank you text, or I could be on the receiving end of a nasty diatribe warning me never to contact her again.
But in all likelihood the response would be, quite frankly....nothing. She'd ignore my good wishes altogether.
Our friendship had lasted nearly four years when it came to an abrupt end last summer. Thanks to Facebook, it's now easier than ever to cut emotional ties by simply clicking on the "unfriend" button.
And that's exactly what she did.
Trouble is, I never knew why.
So I moved on.
That is, until I stood at the mailbox, birthday card in hand.
I didn't tell my family or friends of my plans to acknowledge her birthday, not so much because I knew they'd tell me not to send the card.
But because I knew they'd be right.
Yet I wanted to try.
I wanted to send an olive branch of sorts in the hopes that perhaps, just perhaps it would serve as a catalyst for a conversation. Not to rekindle the friendship, but to learn why it had ended.
Two days passed after the card had been placed in the box, and as predicted, I heard nothing. Three days passed, then four, then five. Still nothing.
I felt like a fool.
A fool who needed to confess to my husband Bob in the hopes he would share words of comfort.
And that's exactly what he did.
We were walking hand-in hand, enjoying nature's autumn splendor when I built up the courage to tell him.
He took me in his arms and held me tight. "Lisa," he said, as he looked in my eyes, "you have the biggest heart of anyone I know."
We lingered for a moment, while I took solace in his warm embrace.
Sometimes I need Bob to remind me that having a big heart is not such a bad thing. Yes, it means opening myself to hurt at times, but it also means opening myself to the love of a husband who has stood by my side since we said "I do", to my beautiful daughters Jessica and Melissa, my grandson Miles, my extended family, and to the incredible women in my life who took the reins of friendship decades earlier and will never, ever let go.
I'm not sure if I'll ever get a response to the birthday card, but as I stood in my husband's arms I realized, it no longer mattered.
I have more than enough love to fill my big heart. And that's all I need.