Sunday, May 13, 2012

Mom, You Moron

Imagine if, instead of giving birth to precious cherubs, we gave birth to insta-teens.  I can just picture the scene in the maternity unit delivery room.

Doctor: "You're almost there Mrs. Jones, just one more push, just one more push!"


Mr. Jones: "You can do it honey."

Doctor: "Almost there....almost  there!"


Doctor: "Congratulations!  It's a girl"

Mrs. Jones: " Sob! Oh my goodness she's so beautiful!  Can I hold her?  Kiss.  Kiss.  Sob!"

New born teenage girl:  "Ug, mom, that's gross, don't kiss me in public!  (sigh of exasperation)  What is all of this goop on me, it's going to make my hair frizz, can you go to the drug store and get me some of that stuff so my hair won't frizz?  I need to take a shower.  Did you wash my Aeropostle skinny jeans?  Hey doc, can you hand me my ipod shuffle?  Mom, seriously, will you stop crying you're embarrassing me!"


I'm not quite sure when or how my 14-year old daughter Melissa went from never wanting me out of her sight to seriously wanting me nowhere in sight.  As a toddler, she became quite the appendage, always attached to a spare limb or two.  Sure, she loved her dad, but he just paled in comparison to the great and oh so powerful "MOMMY".  

Today, I have morphed into a moron.  She does not use this adjective on me out loud, but I can tell she is forming these words inside her head after every response to every thing I say or do.

6:20 am
I happily walk into Melissa's bedroom.

Me:  "Hi sweety, good morning, time to wake up baby girl!"

Melissa: (barely lifts her head, shifts her body slightly, rolls over and slowly opens her eyes) "Why do you wake me up every morning like I am five years old? (you moron)

7:00 am
Melissa is in the bathroom fussing with her hair

Me: "Sweety did you eat breakfast?"

Melissa, rollling her eyes: "Yes." (you moron)

Me: "What did you have?"

Melissa: "Why do you always need to know what I ate, I am fine, I eat fine, I had a banana and oatmeal." (you moron)

7:20 am
At the bus stop

Me: "Good luck on your science test today."

Melissa: "It's not science it's social studies." (you moron)

2:30 pm
I am at work, and I call Melissa to see how her day went.

Me: "How did you do on your social studies test?"

Melissa: "Mom, why do keep asking me, I mean, it wasn't that hard." (you moron)

Melissa calls me at work

Me: "Hi sweety, is everything ok?"

Melissa: "Everything is fine.  I was wondering if you could stop on the way home and pick up some poster board for me because I have a science project due tomorrow." 

Me: "Sure sweety"

Melissa: "Thanks Mom, I love you" 

(For the record, it should be noted, that I am NOT a moron when I am doing her a favor)

I am cleaning up the dinner dishes, Melissa is in the family room watching TV.

My husband Bob: "Melissa, the cat left a present for you."

Melissa: "I can't change the litter now I have to take a shower! (you moron)

(Yes, Bob has also earned this prestigious title)

Bob: "I've asked you 20 times today to clean the litter so do it NOW!"

Melissa (stomping into the room to clean the litter) ALRIGHT JUST STOP ASKING ME TO DO IT ALREADY! (YOU MORON)

Melissa is getting her clothes ready for the next day

Melissa: "Mom, what did you do with my black belt?"

Me: "I didn't do anything with your black belt, did you look in your hamper, did you look in the laundry room?"

Melissa: "I looked everywhere!" (you moron)

Alas, there are two days of the year when I am not a moron

1. My birthday
2. Mother's Day

Today is Mother's Day!  A sore throat kept me up most of the night, and when I finally stumbled down the stairs at 11 am, Melissa sat waiting patiently for me, her finger on the remote.

"Mom, come see!" she beckoned.

I groggily sat down, as a video started playing on our DVD player.  The first scene showed Melissa holding up a card which proclaimed to me, "Happy Mother's Day."  Then, with my talented cherub singing the Fleetwood Mac classic "Don't Stop Thinking About Tomorrow" in the background, the video showed images of Melissa, my inherited daughter Jessica, Bob, my BFF Fern, and various, assorted family members...all engaged in wonderful, happy memories!

Sometimes, the most precious of gifts cannot be purchased in any retail establishment, and Melissa's video is certainly the case.  It meant as much as all of the hand made cards she has created for me over the years....for the mere fact that they were created by her.  Now that she is older, and evolving nearly as fast as the technology she used to create the video, I have more advanced Mother's Day sentiments...but beautiful sentiments just the same.

So my dear sweet Melissa, thank you for your wonderful, fabulous video!  Thank you for making me the happiest mom in the world, even if tomorrow I'll go back to being, yes, you guessed it - A MORON!
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  1. Hilarious, Lisa! I can so relate to this. I shared it on my Everyday Underwear Facebook page.

    1. Thanks Cindy - As a fellow moron, I appreciate your support!!

  2. This is great Lisa!! I love it! I, too am a moron. Each morning I feel as if instead of waking up my once extremely sweet 13 year old son I'm "releasing the Kracken"!! Thanks for a great laugh!! Happy Mother's day!!

    1. Thanks so much Kathy, maybe we should start a support group "Morons R Us"

    2. "releasing the Kraken" HAHAHAHA! Screaming with laughter at that one.

  3. Ah, the moron days ala 14. By daughter's 16th birthday, I'd evolved into evil incarnate. Magically, as she approaches 18, I'm now human and, on a good day, kinda cool. Thanks for stopping by my blog. Glad today was one of your two non-moronic days!

  4. So it will get worse before it gets better, is that what you're telling me Terri!

  5. Love the giving birth to a teen scenario. Very funny!

    But, fear not. This is a stage. Wait til she goes away to college. She will miss these days and start appreciating you for the amazing mother you are!

    1. Hi Monica, I'm not worried about college, because I'm going to stow away with her and just sleep under her bed all semester!

  6. That's hysterical, Lisa. I never had a teen, but I remember being one. I was so wretched to my mom. I remember her always saying, "Someday I hope you have a child and I hope she's just like you," in a tone that was not complimentary. That thought that karma could come back and bite me in the butt may have been a big part in my not having kids.

  7. Lisa - I always love your stories. It's nice that all we fellow morons stick together!

  8. I loved this post, you ... oops! never mind :) Awesome blog!

  9. LOL...this post is great! Ugh, I'm dreading these days but I have a ways to go (thankfully). Hope your video was just the start of a wonderful Mother's Day!

    1. Don't worry Nicole, fortunately, you don't morph into a moron overnight. It's a slow, evolving process, but speeds up a bit when they turn 13!! You'll be queen of your castle for quite some time!!!

  10. Greetings from the West! You've been tagged!

  11. I dread the day when my daughter turns into a teenager! But it's so sweet what she did for you :) What a touching post.

    A belated Happy Mother's Day to you :)

  12. Aw, what a sweet story. A video is a great idea! My son is just entering toddler-hood, and like Melissa did, he keeps me in his sight at all times. I'm not looking forward to the day that he wants nothing to do with me. * sniff sniff* Happy belated Not-a-Moron Day! :)

  13. All along I was under the impression that I was the only moron mom in the world!lol!Am I relieved to read your post? Yes and yes.LOL!

  14. I'm so scared for the future. (And, this is hilarious!)

    1. Thanks Jen - don't worry, you'll have a while before you become a moron! But the funny thing is, I think Melissa's antics are hysterical. It's either laugh or cry, so I choose to laugh!

  15. I'm still at that deliciously claustrophobic "Mummy is the centre of the world and I will not let her out of my sight. Even for the toilet" stage. Kinda looking forward to being a moron so I can pee in peace!

    Love this!