Sunday, September 23, 2012

Big Foot Lives Among Us!!
(One woman's quest for size 10 wide shoes)

BREAKING NEWS!

We interrupt this blog to bring you breaking news from the heart of New Jersey.  Ordinary citizens have reported frequent sighting of the horrifying, elusive creature known to many as "Big Foot" or "Sasquatch".  

Upon further investigation, scientists have new reason to believe that these sightings could truly indicate this frightening monster does, in fact, exist.

Mrs. Mary Whorple, 59, of Anytown, USA, described her encounter in great detail.  "I was comin out a the card store, ye see, cause last week was ma sister's birthday and I forgot to get er a card, and, well, y'know, she always send me a card on mah birthday so I really felt terrible, especially since her husband Larry, that no good louse, always forgets."

Announcer:  "Um, Mrs. Whorple, did you actually see Big Foot."

Mrs. Whorple"  "Oh yeah, ah did.  The monster was sitting on the curb right in front of that shoe store that's next to the card shop and it seems like it was....uh....it was..."

Announcer: "It was what Mrs. Whorple?"

Mrs. Whorple:  "Well it seemed to be cryin it did.  I felt kind a bad for the poor thing, but by the time I went over to see if ah could help - the thing had disappeared."

Yes, strange tales like these have been repeated again and again throughout New Jersey.  The sightings always seem to take place in front of a shoe store, although there have been reported incidents within the vicinity of department stores as well.

Scientist who have dedicated considerable resources to unearthing the identify of this terrifying creature, have finally been able to say, with utmost certainty, that Big Foot in none other than....

LISA WEINSTEIN

Yes.  T'is true.  Your's truly has been blessed with the world's largest feet.  For the majority of my adult existence, I fit quite comfortably into size 9 wide.  My quest for shoes often presented challenges, but somehow, some way, I managed to find the perfect pair.  That is until several months ago when I innocently entered a shoe store with a simple task in mind, find a comfy pair of sandals.  I located  a pair of size 9 wide from among the many boxes, slipped them on my feet and discovered to my horror..........................................................................................................  

THE SHOES WERE TIGHT!

In some cruel, twist of fate, the shoe gods decided that size 9 wide did not present enough of a challenge for me.  Somehow, the shoes gods felt I needed something to test my resolve, to strengthen my character, to make me break down in fits of hysteria in the middle of the store.

MY FEET HAD GROWN BIGGER!

I don't know how it happened, but I like to blame Zumba.  A few weeks after embracing my twice weekly classes of sizzling Latin dancing, I began to experience a throbbing, shooting pain that found its origin in the souls of my feet, then shot through to my two middle toes, making the simple act of walking an agonizing prospect.

The podiatrist hypothesized that my feet had suddenly become flat, perhaps as a result of toe tapping to the Latin beat.  He could offer no explanation, and suggested I take out a second mortgage to purchase $3,672 "SUPPORT" sneakers and wear them ALL THE TIME, at home, at work, at sleep, in the shower, while swimming, etc....

I lasted one whole day before the technically advanced sneakers landed in the back of my closet, never to torture my toes again.  

Thus began my quest for shoes that would bathe my tired toes in luxurious comfort.  Would I ever experience that pure feeling of bliss that comes when a pair of shoes becomes one with your feet?

Store #1

Me: "Do you carry these in a size 10 wide?"

Salesman:  "I'll have to go in the back and check ma'am.  Goes into back room.  "Hey Joe, get a load of this, some lady wants shoes in a size 10 wide.  Who does she think she is, Big Foot?  HAHAHAHAHA!."   Returns from the back room.  "I'm sorry ma'am, we are out of size 10 wide."

Store #2

Me: "Do you carry these in a size 10 wide?"

Saleslady:  "No, we don't but I can order them for you online."

Me (feeling somewhat hopeful)  "Really???"

Saleslady:  "Sure, no problem.  And if they don't fit you can return them here to the store."


ONE WEEK LATER

I came home to find a package waiting for me on the front door step.  My new shoes!!!  I ripped open the box to find a pair of black sandals staring back at me.  I crossed my fingers, praying to the shoes gods for the perfect fit.

I tentatively placed my right foot into what appeared to be an extremely comfortable pair of sandals.  Then followed suit with my left, only to discover.....LOOKS CAN BE DECEIVING!

As promised, the shoe store did, indeed, accept the return, except for one small caveat - they refused to reimburse me for the shipping.  

Sigh.

Thus, since I determined the online option would not work on my feet or my pocketbook, I continued my quest.  After sobbing uncontrollably in front of countless shoe stores, I had almost come to the realization that I might have to wear the only comfy shoes I owned (fuzzy slippers) every where I went.  

Then, the shoe gods guided me to New York City.  While taking in the sights with my husband Bob and daughter Melissa, the shoe gods caused the skies to open up and the rain to come streaming down.  In search of shelter, my little family took comfort in......you guessed it, a shoe store!!!  Aerosoles, to be exact!

Once inside, the shoe gods guided me to the perfect sandals, available in a size 10 wide.

MY FEET HAD BECOME ONE WITH MY SHOES!

As the weather began to grow colder, I faced, once again the arduous task of searching for size 10 wide shoes.  But this time I took comfort in knowing I could visit the Aerosoles location a few miles from home.  

The shoe gods had other plans.

instead of happily skipping into my local Aerosoles, I stared up at a luggage store in bewilderment.  "Oh yes, this is wear Aerosoles used to be," explained the kind sales woman in response to my desperate plea for information.  "I think they went out of business."

BREAKING NEWS!

Several eye witnesses have reported a sighting of the elusive creature known as "Big Foot" or "Sasquatch" sitting on the curb in front of a luggage store in the heart of New Jersey.

Mrs. Agnes Smith, 76, explained her encounter in vivid detail:  "I tell ya I saw the darn thing and I swear I heard it....I heard it....

Announcer: "You heard it what Mrs. Smith"

Mrs. Smith:  "I heard it crying."

If you like my stories, please feel free to tell me in the comments below.

16 comments:

  1. You poor thing...I'm rockin an 11 after the birth of my son, so I feel your pain!

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  2. Oh this is hilarious. I totally relate. I have also had my feet mysteriously grow a size (though they are still somewhat normal width) and I know how insane that can drive any woman!!! I am afraid to have more kids because they say with each kid you grow a size more!!!

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    1. When I was pregnant my feet did get bigger, but then they shrunk back to normal - only to get bigger again 15 years later! Go figure!

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  3. lol!!

    Totally relating here too...I was always a 9 1/2 and a few years back went to a size 10. My feet don't look disproportionately huge or anything though, so I don't mind. People ALWAYS say something though, when they ask my foot size...something like, "REALLY?!?!?" lol Glad it's not so unusual after all to have big feet. ;)

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    1. Maybe I should open a new shoe store called "Big Foot"

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  4. Boy can I relate to this Lisa.... Before I had children, my shoes were either 7.5 or 8... with each pregnancy (I've had three) my foot grew. :( Today... anywhere from a size 9 to a 10... Grace, peace and blessings, Carla

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  5. So funny! If it makes you feel any better, I have size 10 feet too. I am tall, so they fit my body, and I do notice that the 10's are always picked through...there must be a bunch of us;)

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  6. I think we need to switch shoe stores in our area. There are always an abundance of larger sizes and none of the smaller ones. It's crazy how our feet can keep growing long after we think they are done, isn't it?

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  7. I feel your pain. Size 9.5 (sometimes 10) narrow. No arches. Absurdly long toes. I've begun to embrace them (not literally ... because that would just be weird) in the autumn of my life. Even wear toe rings.

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  8. I'm so sorry I was laughing so hard at your pain. My daughter wears 10 wide and I feel your pain, since I'm the one tasked with taking her shoe shopping! Her tears, her frustration, and the occassional flying boxes of shoes that result from NO ONE carrying these things. *UGH*
    Great post, as usual!

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  9. I am sorry, too that I was laughing at your pain. Intention or not, I feel guilty! Can't you buy the $14 arch supports? Well, I hope the pain is at least subsided.

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  10. thank you for making me laugh out loud!

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    1. To Jodi, Lisa, and Chris - my goal is to elicit belly laughs from my readers. Seems I have met my goal! Thanks for visiting! Lisa

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  11. Definitely belly laughing over here! What a fabulous story and great example of creative non-fiction writing. Delightful! Have you tried Zappos or Piperlime online? I know they have free shipping both ways so that's where I always shop. Zappos can be pricey, but they usually have a selection of reasonable options too. And I only shop Piperlime when I have a promo code! :)

    Also (because this comment isn't quite long enough yet) I will definitely let you know about the next blogging conference I hear about. So glad you want to go to one! I would love to meet you IRL! I'm considering Blissdom or maybe Type A. Depends on timing and finances. Even if I don't go, I will let you know if I hear about a good one.

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  12. Incredibly funny. I'm sorry for your shoe dilemma, but worth it, I think, if only for the hilarity you milked out of your pain. Sasquatch, indeed.

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